Why did I spend all day inside a shithole for no thanks, no break? Not one pay rise in three years while the cost of living increases. While my mental and physical health deteriorates at a pace I can barely keep up with. Why am I putting up with this shit? And how do I manage to stay so damn nice to people when all I want to do is shake them until they fall apart or make some sort of sense! Why the fuck? I know why, it's because I'm weak and I settled for this bullshit life. This isn't life, this is merely existing. Existing from hand to mouth, day to day, dumb idea to the next dumb idea. It's a bloody idiotic way to be and I am not a bloody idiot. I know I am smarter and better than this shit I got myself into.
No point in ranting though, I seriously need to sort this out. To work out a plan and stick to it. But where is the big idea I want? I am completely stifled by my own existence. I am baffled and confused. I can't the light but like the naive little girl I am, I have this ridiculous hope that things will turn out ok so what do I do? BEGIN ALREADY!
My biggest burden are my finances and the biggest debt is my little flat. A little flat in an area I love but where I am also subjected daily to how alone I feel without another soul, whether familiar or strange, to share with. This is the mirror that shows me how extroverted I thought I wasn't. Does this mean I need to sell this place and start again? Financially not a very bright decision. I mean, hey! once you're on the ladder, stay there. But I'm starting to think it's not worth it. I'd much rather rent with a bunch of loonies than stay here feeling suffocated by the shackles of debt.
I really want to go to uni and finish a degree. I really want to play music on a stage again. I really want a meaningless part-time job where people are competing for clients and money and ruled by greed. A place where I am not chained to a desk in order to serve the unethical, immoral purposes of others. I'd rather be dead. Really.
I could try to wait it out another few months and see if that job in Darwin is the real deal. Past performance indicates no, it will be yet another empty promise from him and I'll remain trapped in this small concrete box. Willing to make this place my coffin. Fighting the urge to concede.
I can't stand the thought!
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