Sunday, August 4, 2013

When I grow up...

What do you want to be when you grow up?

We aren't likely to realise it at the time but that is one helluva loaded question. When I was first asked that question, I believe my four year old self said, "a dancer." I was never flexible enough and my flat feet were two left feet. I don't think I meant it at the time. It was the first thing that popped into my head that I felt was appropriate for a little girl to say.

I really wanted to be Supergirl. It was the first film I saw at the cinema and I aspired to flight, super hearing and x-ray/heat vision. Not to mention a spectacular mane of blonde hair and wicked red boots (just like my Barbie doll).

The closest I got to this, I worked five years at Red Rooster.

I would eventually answer that age old question with suitably feminine occupations (not in my opinion nowadays) nurse or teacher.

Why not doctor, lawyer or astrophysicist?  WHY?

Actually I did toy with astrophysics when I was 14 but gave up the idea for paediatrics. I think the astrophysics idea was a quiet protest against the fascination with marine biology being tossed around by my classmates (all female) but it was probably also to do with my fascination with space, astronauts, superheroes and sci-fi. I'll watch anything sci-fi, except Event Horizon.  I made it nearly halfway through the film before my ocular phobia kicked in. You try watching that rubbish when one of your recurring childhood nightmares is about your eyes falling out and smashing into little shards of coloured glass. It's impossible.

So is watching the Exorcist when you've been brought up Catholic. Like scary Irish Catholic-Catholic. I'm over that now but I still won't watch the Exorcist.

So apart from saving the world and sick babies I decided at 15 that Veterinarian Science would be the degree for me. I went to open days, did my work experience in a vet clinic, assisted in surgery and euthanasia. The allergies were a pain but I'll still suffer itchy eyes and runny noses for fluffy cuddly kitties. Somewhere along the way I gave up that idea too. I felt I would find it hard to pick up a scalpel and cut into living flesh, even if it is for the good of the patient.

It also probably had something to do with music.  I played bass, bass clarinet and I was good, damn good.

I miss holding this instrument so much it physically pains me...

There was some unpleasantness and so I gave it up, horrified at what was going on 'behind the scenes' so to speak.

At 22 I gave away my place and set about choosing a path.  I did not choose wisely.  The HR degree did not get me a job in HR anywhere.  So rather than go back to uni and do what I really wanted to do, I settled for a switch bitch job in superannuation.  WHY?  I did it because I thought that at the ripe old age of 24 it was time to work and not study...

Oh Jax, you are a fool

Five years later I was made redundant, a week after breaking up with the boyfriend I was ridiculously in love with.  As fun as that was it was also the perfect catalyst to looking at myself and my desires.  I was about to hit the reset button.  I looked back at my uni preferences, far down the list I had submitted an application to study Chinese medicine at RMIT, after that, Naturopathy.  I've always wanted to be of use for the good of society, not the bad.

Now, four years later, I'm halfway through my degree and loitering at another crossroad. You see, there are only two subjects left I can study online. After them I must attend classes.  Problem is, I work office hours Monday to Friday with no hope of flexible hours. Damn. What do I do now?

I'm 33 years old and I'm still stuck.  What do I do next? I hate this corporate world I've lived in for the past 10 years but I'm trapped within the confines of a mortgage. Logically, it's better to have the property but if I'm not happy with my lot in life, is financial security really worth it?

One thought, might switch to the Advance Dip of Naturopathy and finish the degree later. Another, hope this writing for a community paper/website ends up somewhere. My favourite thought; re-writing Germaine Greer's 'The Female Eunuch' for the next generation, because if the devil's greatest trick is convincing people he doesn't exist, then mans greatest trick is convincing the women of the world they are equal with men.

I will not go gently into this good night.